The human condition has been a topic of interest of mine for most of my life. Observing the daily occurrences in both my own life and the lives of those who surround me has been a hobby of mine; always hoping to gain broader look at what is it that drives us do what we do on a regular basis. The most particularly interesting part of human interactions that I have observed, is the relationships we have with one another and what it is that makes them strong or fragile. History has certainly proven that empathy is the most powerful emotion we have and it makes all the difference in a successful and meaningful relationship; but what about in a moment of betrayal? The question which I have found myself asking is whether or not there is a pull within all of us to naturally forgive our betrayers or if it is a skill which we develop in order to better adapt to our communities.
As a child, I remember hearing one particular phrase being thrown around more often than not when an adult would intervene in an altercation. That magical phrase which was intended to relieve the situation was "forgive and forget". The feeling that I had when I heard that was usually one resembling defeat. I knew at that point I had no choice but to give it up. As I got older I had more experience with betrayal. Sometimes it was malicious, and in other scenarios it was out of negligence. Regardless, after many times of using the philosophy of forgive and forget philosophy, I concluded that it was utterly ineffective was not actually attainable. That's not to say that I did not feel that forgiveness was possible, only that it proved to me that forgiveness is, much like beauty, skin deep.(Safer,1999 Psychology Today; Forgive and Forget).
This topic is especially important for me because I feel that I have witnessed far too many relationships perish and both parties suffer in the end. Although the anger may be irreverent, it's important that it is just a phase and it does not manifest within us. The manifestation of unforgiveness and betrayal is something which I have felt and it's a terrible poison. Personally I have felt a type of physical anguish and illness over events and felt the early signs of rumination. I had anxiety about the mere thought of running into the person who had betrayed me and it made me unable to move past the event that transpired.
I wanted to hear what my peers had to say about forgiveness and whether or not they have had experiences mirroring. In order to do this, I constructed two different ways in which I felt could help me better understand their feelings towards the topic. I gathered a collection of people individually who have varying life experience and ages ranging from 15-52. I essentially wanted to find out what they deemed forgivable and the exceptions they have made as to what they feel is not. All of us have standards for ourselves, whether or not they be defined in ink. According to Piaget's stages of cognitive development, during the concrete operational stage, which occurs most commonly between the ages of 7-11, children learn the rules. They learn that there are consequences to their actions, and that punishment is bad and should be avoided. That includes not matching up to what the social norm is. In the case which I mentioned above, the norm which I was being challenged to meet as a child, was that I would forgive and forget my playmates and carry on with my day without disruption from unruly emotions. However, from ages 11 and up, according to Piaget's stages, is when we start to reason with the rules which have been defined for us. This gives us more freedom mentally to explore the feelings we have because the understanding of the world is that much broader. We have more of an ability to rationalize from case to case and decide what makes one happiest or reap the most reward.
Although there is no “right” way to forgive another individual, and I am suspecting that the patterns, although present, will take different forms in each person. During the conversations I looked for facial expressions as well as body language ques in order to properly asses whether I felt the feelings and body language were congruent with one another (ex. Crossing arms with body positioned away from me, while remarking a reconciliation and it's success.) The individuals' body language suggests a tense and unresolved attitude. ( D.Givens 2012. The Nonverbal Dictionary;Gestures, Signs & Body Language Cues)
DEFINITIONS
I refer to forgiveness and unforgiveness and the way in which I have defined them to those whom I was interviewing and the way in which I am referencing are; Forgiveness: the process of concluding resentment, indignation or anger as a result of a perceived offense or ceasing to seek punishment or restitution against offender. Unforgiveness: The delayed experience of negative feelings such as bitterness and anger fostered by rumination.
After doing the initial research to answer those questions, I stumbled upon a few more. I had to ask the question of whether or not there were actual physical symptoms of anxiety due to forgiveness, and if this were so why it happened. I wanted to know why it happened for the simple reason being that our bodies are very intelligent and rarely react for no reason. The fight or flight response in human beings is incredibly telling of our psyche.
I began my research by a simple conversation between myself and 15 different people, individually. I had a series of phases I wanted the conversation to go in. I allowed the interviewee to talk freely and if they had the to urge to divulge more information, I listened. The questions which I had set out to answer, are somewhat objective which is why I felt it necessary to let them go in their own direction, so long as it pertained. After collecting my data from that step in my research, I contacted the individuals and asked them a series of questions in a true interview fashion in order to get more direct and concrete answers. Since I had already gauged their emotional thoughts on the matter in our first discussion, gave me more information to base my conclusion on and allow my focus to narrow on the answers I was searching for. My Questionaire
1. What is forgiveness?
When was the last time you forgave someone by that definition?
How long did it take you to do so and why?
What had to happen in order for you to forgive them?
How did you feel afterward?
Do you still trust/talk to this person?
(If applicable) If this person weren't family, would you have felt so strongly about forgiving them?
How/where did you learn to forgive?
After reviewing the information and pulling the similarities our among the many different stories and answers that I heard, I found a multitude of different qualities which stood out to me. The urge to forgive was prevalent amongst every single person I spoke with, to varying degrees. Was it society that made people want to forgive though? Were they reverting to the “forgive and forget” mentality I referenced earlier? 80% of the people which I had spoken with had responded saying that they had learned from their parent/main care giver how and when is appropriate to forgive.
Personal Interviews
(Referencing question 7)
“I mean, look at my mom, I got it from her. You'll never catch her apologizing or begging forgiveness. Doesn’t mean I don't wish for it, it's just that it makes me uncomfortable. I think that's why her and I get each other. There's no real need to apologize. It's understood amongst us that there’s no hard feelings. Other people might take it as being cold, and it's certainly taken a toll on my relationships (love life specifically).” -Natalie R. age 22
“I guess I still sort of look to my dad for when to and not to forgive. He hasn't lead me wrong yet, that I can remember at least. It only seems natural to ask the person in your life with the most experience what to do.” Anne D. , age 51
“Every time I get really angry and get irrational everyone always tells me I act like mom. Then when I don't want to talk about it, I'm also told I'm like mom...and then when I forgive them two minutes later and act like it never happened, I get it again”
Graham L. , age 15
As infants, we are conditioned to learn the rules of both society and home. At this very early age we learn what the sensations of happiness, sadness, discomfort and anxiety feel like, although we may be unable at that time to verbalize much less allude to them. By nature infants are inclined to do what they feel pleases their mother or care giver. This may include smiling, laughing, and as we get older being forthcoming. They all have their own spin on the process, as we are all individuals who feel differently. An overwhelming amount of the people concluded as well that if the offender is a family member, no matter how long the process take to forgive, it's already certain that it will happen. And most commonly, it will happen sooner rather than later, based on their own scale of what is and isn’t a long time to forgive another individual.
The amount of time which I recorded to be the length which these individuals took to forgive in the instances they provided ranged from a few hours to 3 years. The ones who have long standing grudges and have take in some cases of year, tend to look at the negative and use it as a means in which they can forget about the situation. When they think about it they can immediately and forcibly stop because they have conditioned themselves to not focus on whatever makes those feelings emerge. In some cases it makes the individual irritable and seek refuge in their own way (ex. Ignoring situation, changing the subject, taking control of conversation). At times the conflict may take up so much space in ones mind that it makes them unable to focus. Many individuals reported that there was a physical feeling associated with seeing this person either in person and in some cases even in pictures. The feeling they got was commonly just a quick sweat, short term mild breathlessness, stomach pains. Others still felt mild to significant amounts of anger when approached with face to face scenarios before a mutually accepted apology. I suggested to the individuals the idea of forgiving the betrayer, and still choosing to remain in close contact with the person. 60% of people which I spoke with said that it was possible. I have come to believe that people who have the ability to attain this type of understanding, that one can forgive without remaining friends, have a better capability to achieve happiness more genuinely. I believe this because some, when feeling forced into choosing whether or not they can forgive the other, forgive them and have lingering feelings of distrust which can turn into turmoil if not properly dealt with, either by further discussing the issue or coming to terms on our own with the wrong doing. I believe that if one forgives before they are ready, it's only a matter of time before it will begin to affect you in a similar light as it had previously.
Stanford University took an interest in 2005 concerning the affects that rumination and unforgiveness can have on the body. Alex H. A. Harris and Carl E Thorsen were looking for any sign that there is a physiological reaction associated with these feelings. The conclusion was that although there were no long term affects yet to be determined, minor symptoms were recorded. These symptoms included cortisol reactivity (The rate at which adrenaline is release into your body spikes temporarily), blood pressure (increases, as well as an increase in heart rate) and, skin conductance (your sympathetic nervous system kicks in and tells your sweat glands to perspire) These symptoms appeared for any length of time and have varying affects on whomever is afflicted. Loss of sleep do to anxiety associated with unforgiveness has been noted with both this study and from the people I spoke with.
After conducting my own research and reading the reports from the Stanford University study, I feel that there were a number of indisputable similarities amongst the individuals. The questions which I had set out to answer were 1. Whether or not forgiveness was influenced by society and what we are taught as children 2. If there are physical repercussions to postponing reconciliation and forgiveness and why they may be exist.
I believe through the research which I performed personally in addition to what I learned through my other sources, that I came to reach a conclusion. Although the nature nurture discussion, of whether or not forgiveness is a learned trait or within us at birth, are immeasurable, the reoccurring pattern among the majority of the people whom I spoke with felt very strongly about always forgiving their family members. Some of them giving examples of the traumatic events they have endured by their their family members, and saying that they're past it and feeling very confident that the familial aspect strongly influenced their ultimate decision. It appeared as though priorities shifted gears and, healing began far quicker than with people they considered to be expendable in their life. I believe it is due to the human condition and our deep internal need to have positive contact with other humans. The ones who we are most comfortable with, our family members, give us enough support and feeling of familiarity, combined with our social conditioning to forgive, deems them in-expendable and forces us to reason with our decision sooner rather than later.
In the book Forgiveness: Theory, Research and Practice, it suggests that the act of forgiveness, is something demonstrated in the animal world as well. In the animal world, if the relationship which is being tested through a betrayal is necessary for either of the animals then the other may be more inclined to either forgive or beg forgiveness. Survival of the fittest is a mental game as well, and manipulating certain situations can make the difference between feast or famine.
“We might get a clue as to the nonhuman homologue of forgiveness by looking at the animal world around us. There are many reconciliatory behaviors, including submission gestures which help terminate fighting between con specifics”. P. 117
So a way to keep the peace, familial peace that is, is much more pertinent to most people, especially if your in closer contact. The family unit does not need to be blood related in all cases either, I do not believe. If it is a cohort of individuals which share a very distinct bond, and depend on the others significantly, they may feel they are family count them as the in-expendable people in their life.
I believe that forgiveness is a survival tactic which we are born with and learn at a very young age is something that we need as a people for a more fluid existence. I conclude that our basic instincts and survival mode we are perpetually in, are what prompts the feelings of hostility or anxiety. Regardless of the betrayal, the person whom is feeling betrayed is forced react. In the case of someone feeling anxious, I believe the reason for that is because if they are our family members, not only must we (usually) maintain a rapport with them for social reasons, but for the same reason which the animal kingdom must. It is your survival, and burning bridges with those who've provided and shown most of what we know could mean abandonment, starvation, or just plain uncertainty. The pack mentality is how the human race became so successful (that and our opposable thumbs). Early homosapian's would have never been able to survive if they had tried to do everything individually. We made relationships with other individuals in order to make our lives more fluid and eventually, we realized that not only did we need the assistance of other people for our physical survival, but we need positive human contact for proper development of each person individually.
“Research done by British scientist John Bowlby and his American colleague Mary Salter Ainsworth concluded that babies who do not receive the nurturing touch---if they survive---traverse adolescence depressed, anxious, angry and unhappy. More scientific studies on the relation of touch deprivation and adolescent aggression have surfaced over the years. One of them is a cross-cultural study done by the Touch Research Institute which reveals that American adolescents who got "less physical affection as preschoolers" than their French counterparts tend to be more depressed, do poorly in school, have poor family relations, and used illegal drugs more frequently.” ( N. Soranio. Do Humans Need Human Touch)
While many people struggle with the process of forgiveness and feel uneasy at the thought of having the people whom we love betraying them, it's a reality. Forgiveness is not the easiest process to deal with however, it truly makes the difference between genuine happiness and anguish. The relationships we foster the most are the ones we get the most reward from.
McCullough, Michael E., Kenneth I. Pargament, and Carl E. Thoresen. Forgiveness: Theory, Research, and Practice. New York: Guilford, 2000. Print.
Miller, Barrett. "Human Factors Article." Expert Witness and Safety Engineer. Depression and Bipolar Support Alliance. Web. Feb.-Mar. 2012. <http://www.safety-engineer.com/hungers.htm>.
Soriano, Nori. "Do People Need Human Touch?" EHow. Demand Media, 20 Oct. 2009. Web. Mar.-Apr. 2012. <http://www.ehow.com/about_5552156_do-people-need-human-touch.html>.
Staff, Mayo Clinic. "Forgiveness: Letting Go of Grudges and Bitterness." Mayo Clinic. Mayo Foundation for Medical Education and Research, 23 Nov. 2011. Web. 30 Apr. 2012.